| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2009|10:07 pm] |
you don't have to be alone.
you don't have to be on your own |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2008|02:00 am] |
Pent up
Put out
Withdrawn shy
Hungry foolish awkard
Sly
Covered in sparkle
Nervously glued
Classy, clumsy, sexy- scared
Talongs thrust, defenses bared
Silly stupid stubborn wise
Rememberful of sweet demise
Giddy wishing spreading thighs
Languid in my boiling stew
What's the use of knowing you |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|04:05 pm] |
One reviewer from College of Creative studies accepted me officially... two more to go.
Very excited very nervous. Also there's this education class which includes trips to the high school to teach for twenty bucks an hour, and I'm taking it. I love teaching so it should work out well hopefully.
IV is beautiful, people are beautiful here weather is beautiful here. Lots of walking.
I've been making a garden and I'm just in love with it, I added mint and garlic today. Apparently you bury a garden clove in potting soil right now and in June it winds up as a whole bulb of garlic, how cool is that???
I have a big plastic container, and now I'm seriously considering using it to plant rows of carrots, I have a gardening bug and I can't shake it!
Love you guys, hope all is well :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2008|11:00 am] |
What iiis this weather??
There's a spider about the size of a nickle with legs included that has inhabited my downstairs bathroom, and I'm trying to become chill with him to help myslef get over my spider phobia. I have given him the affectionate name "Bob" (my name for all my small insect friends) and when ever I see him I say, hi Bob, or hi little buggy. In my mind. And it's been helping. I'm trying to feel sympathetic and affectionate towards him in hopes of not feeling disgusted and freaked out. Weee shall see.
Moving moving moving. Tomorrow I get into my new casa. And I see my friends I've been missing for 3 months.
Life is good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2008|10:35 am] |
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Another striking lightning dream. Maybe it's just warning me to avoid something, daaanngerous. I'm pretty sure I know what that something might be too. But who knows. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|10:31 pm] |
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i can't believe i got a 4.0. i had a b going into my chem lab final and i was so sad because my teacher told me he never saw the final raise anyone's grade more than half a grade, so b+, but i got an a-. so important for getting into ccs. woohoo. i made it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|08:14 pm] |
i'm having a hard time signing up for classes this quarter, the statistics class i should be taking is full and i should be taking a writing class too but there's this class on human disease that just looks ten times more interesting. i don't know, on the bright side it's amazing to be back. i love all the faces here. and the love. there's so much love for me here. there was love at home too, but i live with all my friends here, like literally they're the family i have here and it's so nice.
i'm going to focus on not being so sexual. i was able to change some other things about my self but i still allow myself to fall into the same thought patterns of wanting wanting wanting to fuck somebody. and heh, that's very obnoxious because since i'm not with anyone in a regular way i can't just have insta sex. and plus, it can't be healthy to think about it as much as i do and have it as infrequently as i do. so i'm going to reallllly try to not let myself think of it, just get out of the habit. it's possible.
i managed to eat healthy today thank god. took care of some important business, found out i got some tax returns back, excited for that. not buying weed anymore so i can save some money.
trying to be who i would like to be. always confused, generally contented.
love to you guys. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2008|11:29 pm] |
amy... get into my life.
DISCO PARTY AT KATIE'S ON THURSDAY!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOT. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2008|04:34 pm] |
i just feel good about humanity right now
I just watched the movie sicko earlier today and it made me a bit depressed, a lot depressed actually I cried pretty much through all of it, about how badly some people have to live. About the hand that some people have been dealt, you know? So sad, but then I saw how in the other countries every one was so helpful and even in this country the corruption is done by a handful and there's only love with the rest of the people, maybe they aid in the corruption but there's still love and guilt over what they've done you know? there's so much humanity, there's so much brotherhood in people. people care, you know? i really think a lot of people care. i care. i think it's hard to be able to help. i think maybe not a lot of people know how so they shut the caring out of their mind so they don't have to feel with the guilt of acting differently than they feel but i believe the love is there and if everyone could see the suffering of everyone else and there was a way they could help they'd do it. human beings are beautiful.
i also just watched the video for common come close to me and that made me cry too. i think it's because i watched sicko and that set me off. i want to help people in my life, i don't know how. i don't do anything for people anymore, i need to get back into community service, it really made me happy when i went to the retirement center. i wish i didn't love money so much. i should love people more than i love money. i think to me money is independence and freedom and those things are hard for me to sacrifice. but i think if people decided we were going to become communist i wouldn't fight too hard. i know it's not efficient because there's not enough love i guess. people wont do for others what they'll do for themselves, not enough productivity. i understand it too, i understand that. i love me first. i love me best. but i know that's not the truth that i'm looking for. that's not what's real.
i remember mr. berry talking about femminist communist women and how he loved that, and i thought it was the stupidest thing ever, and now i sort of like the idea of those too. who knows. who knows who knows. love is suppressed it's not advertized. sex is advertized. jealousy is advertized. passion. not enough love. peaceful love, helpful love.
i'm working on my ohm. i hope michael moore really is a good person and isn't in it for the money or anything, i hope he believes what he says and doesn't just do it to get ahead. that'd be the worst. i don't think that's true. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2008|11:01 am] |
I just cried for like a half hour over my paper grade....
I got a D. I worked sooo hard and got a D. Do you know why? My grammar my word choice and my sentance structure. They don't like how I write. I loved writing that paper. It was more than just a D. It was a rejection of everything I am and all the ways I think by the entire UC system. It was saying that creativity is uncalled for and unacceptable. It was saying that I fucking suck.
It was for POLY SCI. and the TA wrote that I had to "consult a style manual" before I wrote another paper. She just dug into me. The entire thing was in red. the entire thing.
I'm so frusterated, I'm taking it to the professor, I think it's a good essay, I think it's nice. I really really really understand the topics. I do. I understand it beyond shit. Damn it anyways. I'm afraid I'm going to cry in front of the professor. I CAN'T do that. The only thing I can do now is study for my other finals. I have so much shit to do right now, I'm freakin out, I have to sign my apartment lease for next year tomorrow. OH WAIT! Oh never mind. I do need a money order. nvm.oh boy. later today. I just need lunch now. I need to also do some case sign up thing becasue i got in trouble for smoking. which was a whole lame story that involved me being ratted out.
god. i feel way more emotional than i've been in so long. it's like romantic rejection except academic rejection. which is even worse. it's everything that i've been working towards just drop kicked into oblivion. |
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| amy winehouse |
[Feb. 27th, 2008|05:44 pm] |
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i love her more and more everyday. i think she might be up there with fiona apple and lauryn hill for women i admire in a major way. she's such an amazing artist. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2008|10:19 pm] |
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the way life works out makes me want to believe in god. all of it.. all of it. |
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| weird weird dream |
[Jan. 19th, 2008|05:49 pm] |
bill oreily, strange people from school and back home, drunkenness.
no bueno. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2007|08:30 pm] |
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i had a sex dream so vivid last night that my first thought when i woke up was, shit I need the morning after pill. that was really really weird. |
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| i've gotta find peace of mind |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|02:17 pm] |
lauryn lauryn lauryn. my soul sister, why have you gone totally off the deep end.
please don't let me disgrace/where my devotion lays. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2007|07:20 pm] |
coffee coffee coffee study.
study study study study
ace test???
pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase.
chemistry. oy.
--------------------------
oh man, hours of studying paid off. i feel solid on the material. and I got my first grade.
A- in biology of cancer, YAAAAAAAY!
so strung out on coffee. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|01:59 am] |
so i was shrooming today and my friend tommy was like, lisa, write yourself a note to remember your revelations. so I was like alright, even though with all this shroom doing as of late, i'm pretty familiar with the lessons. but I did, and now I'm glad I did. This is what I wrote at the height of my shrooming. You don't need any person or any thing/things exist independent of their creator/just be-/people are wonderful/so are you/everything is beautiful/if you look at it that way/it's all love/don't search so hard/just be.
And man, I was thinking some weird shit. I really believed all that about thoughts being independent of your thinking them. and that was great. i loved that. I also felt very affirmed with my relationships and had great perspective on things. Shrooms definitely do that for me, they up my perspective. Anyways, I really really love you all. I can't wait to be back for break. :)
Gooooo naiiigh |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2007|11:39 pm] |
I love hispanic people. Not necessarily the kids or gang bangers what have you, but their parents are some of the nicest people ever, just speaking anecdotally. I was working in the kitchen today at work and it's so funny to see how friends look right past you when you're in uniform and then you say hi! and they are so surprised it's you. They don't see servers/cleaners/cooks as people. They just see another uniform. It's silly. I'm sure I do it too. But I try not to, especially now that I know how it feels. One of the cooks said to me, can I tell you something? And so I was like sure. He was like, I see you in here when you come in to eat and you're my special one and everybody laughs at me, but I think you have great charisma. And he goes, I like how you have your special boots. And I don't care that it was coming from a middle aged hispanic man, I was happy that someone thought I was special you know? Or noticed my boots. I drew all over them cause they're some old fake ugs and I wanted to have something funky that was my own. And so I wear em. And I honestly love them. They're my favorite shoes. I don't know if I'll wear them back at home. I mean, I will, but I don't know if people will like them. I guess it doesn't matter. Because I like them, but still it'll be interesting to see if people mind my new way of dressing, it's not so different. But it's more fun. And I really like it, so that should really be enough. I shouldn't be scared to dress differently from how I had in the past if I feel like it's more true to myself. Whenever people change a bit people always assume that they changed away from their true self, but I think that might sometimes be true, but people can also become what they are. That's what I've spent the majority of my time trying to do.
In other news. I don't know. Oh yeah. The Little Prince. It was a beautiful book. It was so true and it made me think about love and that maybe it's a good thing. But from a perspective of my entire life I would have to disagree. The book is still amazingly beautiful though. I think that maybe there are some people who are not necessarily cut out for being in love with someone. And I think if that group exists I might be one of those people. Because it has only ever made me less happy with myself, less stable, less motivated, and less interested in friendships. I am an overall worse person when I'm in love. It does not help me to do anything except fiend and sink into myself in a disgusting self destructive way. Still I think about it from time to time. The way an ex heroine addict thinks about shooting up. This is not the time in my life for it, and my purpose in life certaintly can't be grooming myself in various ways to become a person someone else would be more interested in loving. I realized in the past that might as well have been my life purpose. And that's such a narrow view to take.
My place here has began to resemble my place socially back at home more and more, except that I know more people. Strong group bonds form and I am enjoyed by the groups but I'm not in them. The difference is that here I have a lot of very strong person to person bonds, which I know will get me through any rough time. Back home I had a few, which I really love and appriciate. But here I have a lot more. And it's an amazing feeling to know that there's people who really love you and who you really love too. I just need to come to terms with the fact that I will never belong to a group. I am not a belonger. I do it to myself to an extent, I don't give off that I need other people, and I honestly I don't, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy having a lot of different bonds. But I really LIKE people. Even if I don't need them. I really like having a group, and being part of inside jokes, and being invited by default. But. It's not the way of the world. And it's all for a purpose I think. My life is coming together like a novel full of foreshadowing and symbolism. It's all the only way it ever could have been, and when I die in the future it will be the only way it could have happened. It's comforting and frightening at the same time, but I think I've got a while left. I really hope so, I love life a lot.
Anyways. I love you all, Christmas break can't come too soon! Especially because between now and then are finals. :( :( :( |
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